Callidus

Hey friends. I know a lot of you would like to know about what’s going on with me and upcoming projects and stuff. So I’ll say here at the top that I’m working on a number of things at the moment. New stuff is coming and I’ll be making some posts soon to give you all a little taste of what I’m cooking up.

But tonight, I wanna talk about something else. Something that’s been on my mind a lot the last few weeks. My friend and occasional collaborator Tabico.

As many of you already know, she took a leave of absence from the erotic mind control scene a little over four years ago after revealing that she was getting divorced and needed to step away. She wasn’t sure if she’d return and so far she hasn’t.

And, ever since then I’ve missed her.

But for the past several years, I’ve been OK with that. And even though we weren’t in communication, I kind of felt like my being OK with it was what I could do to support her decision as a friend.

I don’t know why, but that changed in the last few days. I’ve really been wanting to talk to her lately and I can’t and for the first time since she stepped away… I’m angry about it. Not angry at her, mind you, just angry.

I began to have these feelings that it wasn’t fair that I can’t talk to her. I want to catch up and see how she’s doing. I wanna tell her how I’m doing. I wanna share some of the things I’ve had going on in my life, with her. I want to ask her for advice on things that I know she would have insight on. I wanna talk movies with her like we used to.

Amid these feelings of anger, I also caught myself having thoughts like maybe I should’ve done something different in the past. And if I had done that different thing, maybe we’d still be in communication now.

And that’s when something occurred to me. I am angry and I’m bargaining: two of the early stages of grief.

I think I’m grieving her. For some reason in the past couple of weeks, I think my brain has come to the conclusion that she is not coming back. And that I’ve spoken to her for the last time. And I’m grieving a lost friend.

And it really sucks.

It sucks because, to the best of my knowledge, she’s still out there somewhere. But just in a different frame of mind. Enough so, that she’s decided that coming back to the mind control community and friends therein, like me, is not something that she’s willing or able to do.

And because I’m her friend I’m OK with that. At least, I’m trying to be. I know how intelligent and wise she is and I respect the decision she’s made. I want her to do what’s best for her. I want her to be happy. Because I’m her friend.

But I’m really missing her tonight. And so I guess that’s why I’m here, shouting into the void.

Thanks for listening.